TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally away from location. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let's have another place where American men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: give Everybody a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he should stop applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting notice from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD may have change-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

Report this page